I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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