My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
