im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
