My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
