I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
