Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Randomize
