You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
