i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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