YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
