I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
