Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
