I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
