she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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