Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
