How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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