I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
