if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
