i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
