I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
