Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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