I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
