I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
