I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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