I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
