Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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