when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
