Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
