Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
