you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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