We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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