My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
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the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
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I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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