My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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