At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
