Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
In America we eat man semen.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
