just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
