My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
