Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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