And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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