I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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