Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
