why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
