i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I think I died a long time ago.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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