she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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