Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
