Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
