How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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