dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
