I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
