Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
