you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
