Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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