You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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