Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
