Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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