Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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