Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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