the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
