people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
