so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
