I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
