Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
